Shit the Carillon says

Actual conversations heard around the office

by the Staff

Once again, production night plagues us all like that last bout of syphilis we can never seem to shake. And, once again, all we need to do is to have one of our editors take notes of the conversations that go on behind closed doors in the wee hours of the morning. Enjoy our verbal masturbation with “Shit the Carillon says”:

Regarding the slippery slope of adding truck nuts to your pickup:

“This is how dicks get onto trucks.”

Sometimes this place feels reputable with the CBC running in the background. CBC I-Team!

On generating content for the issue:

You give me a ruler, a pack of crayons, and a laundry marker and I give you art!

I need another drink. From my time in Edmonton for NASH, I’m pretty sure my body is conditioned to expect liquor every 8 hours.

On smoking habits:

I used to make Hitchens look like a nonsmoker.

Reading a pizza menu:

Campania tomato sauce, fior-di-latte, Italian ham, and crushed pineapple. That’s a goddamn Hawaiian pizza. That’s just like calling your bacon twice-smoked or your waffles thrice-fucked.

You better be careful of what you say, otherwise you’re going to get punched in the head by a tall girl.

Of course I got “randomly” selected to be frisked at the airport.

A Belgian bar in the Edmonton airport?! Fuckin’ A.

You snore.

No I don’t. I had my head between my pillows all night.

I don’t feel like my life has been enriched for now knowing that fact.

What’s up with the creepy guy in those terrible songs like Friday, Thanksgiving, and Chinese Food, who just parties with clearly preteens. Shouldn’t law enforcement be on that?

I think the Iron Sheik will make a great addition to the office.

“So some newspaper in the prairies wrote an article responding to another article. I didn’t get it. Why did it make the CUP wire” – Someone in Edmonton.

That was our paper.

One staff member:

Denny’s was a great idea!

Another staff member:

Denny’s was an awful idea!

I will break you so bad that none of the king’s horses, nor the king’s men, nor Humpty fucking Dumpty, the grandmaster of all fuck-ups, will be able to put you back together again.

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish and you will feed him for a lifetime.

The problems you have pale in comparison the problems you caused me.

I’m pretty sure they’ve got a picture of you up in that shop because of the story you just told me.

I didn’t know you could draw, Farron.

Neither did I.

Replacing my boots was the best thing I did in Edmonton. Just sayin’.