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It’s all laughs (unless you’re the athletic director)

Men’s hockey team to expand professional contract opportunities by training as Zamboni drivers

After a season when the Cougars men’s hockey team went 8-20, the green and gold have decided to all retrain as Zamboni drivers. The success of David Ayers, Toronto Marlies driver and winning Carolina Hurricanes goalie, has sparked interest for the players on the U of R roster who can barely stand on skates.

Said one totally real source, “I have a better chance of being an international hockey professional if I jump on that big ol’ beast and ride around. I’m a sieve on the ice, why else would the Cougs want me? Now there’s hope for benchwarmers everywhere. Finally, another career option that isn’t casual bartender.”

The Cougars hope the new job avenue won’t affect them nearly as much as the mass exodus of oil workers before the last recessions. Back then it wasn’t just the Oil Kings who played hockey in Edmonton, but half of Regina as well.

Cougars to name Non-Academics Canadians

According to one member of the University of Regina Athletic Department the school is preparing to present their Non-Academic All-Canadians. Those who win the awards are students who failed their classes as opposed to members of the Cougars and Rams who reach the 80 per cent average needed to be an Academic All-Canadian.

Some in the Rams are nervous about how many of their offensive linemen they will lose, while many Cougars are getting nervous. Nobody wants to win an award that includes a statuette of former Rams Coach Frank McCrystal laughing and pointing.

When asked why the awards were conceived, one department source said that it’s a chance to celebrate those who were doomed from the beginning but need a send off before they are deemed academically ineligible.

“Honestly, it’s awesome to be able to celebrate the fact that someone isn’t being removed from the program because of our administration’s ineptitude. We’ve had athletes leave because they’re awful people, some because of injury, others because they’re not even as smart as the brick that sits in the Carillon office, but these Non-Academic All Canadians just gave it a good old college try and failed harder than the wrestling teams’ attempts at being allowed to still exist.”

The list of athletes is pretty secretive, as would be expected, but some in administration already have a betting pool on who will make the cut of cuts next season. Current odds are projected to see half the Cougars and Rams fail, a market decrease on this year’s projection. Some factors that have affected the odds include the records of the teams, number of athletes deemed ineligible for reasons out of their control, arrests, and the whim of campus leadership up to and including the dean, director of athlete development, and whoever happens to be in the Reggie the Cougar costume that week.

Rams to install rotating coaching carousel in locker room

After Coach Bryce’s abrupt split from the Rams program, for conflicting reasons according to those close to the situation, the football team has decided to install a coaching carousel in the locker room. Each Sunday, the Lord’s day of football, each Rams coach will be commanded to drink five pints at Trifon’s before being strapped into a speedy carousel like the one that features on ABC’s Wipeout!

The coach who survives the spinorama gets to lead the squad out onto the field. One water assistant, or as the U of S Huskies call them team hydrologist, says the event will become a good one for the team to rebuild their tarnished reputation.

“We’ve had an arrest, an ineligible player, and a coach leaving under a shroud of mystery. The best thing we can do is liquor up these former athletes and spin them around a little. Last one standing isn’t just for linebackers and running backs anymore.”

Word is, in an attempt to increase the balance sheet of the former national powerhouse turned overblown recreational drinking opportunity, that tickets will be sold at a premium. The cash funneling into the program from casual Regina folks who can count themselves amongst the tens of fans that drag themselves to Mosaic to watch the Dinos go all Jurassic Park on their opponents each fall will be split between the team, the university, and the poor sap tasked with making sure each of the athletes don’t do anything to get themselves removed from their classes.

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