Square Incognito

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Article – Kyle Leitch – Production Manager

People used to laugh at me when I told them that Justin Trudeau would be made the leader of the Liberal Party of Canada. People said that it was impossible in between fits of obnoxious scoffing. Well scoff away now, you trembling swine, because not only is the spawn of Pierre Elliott the leader of the Liberals, but he’s also now the most real threat to the Tories that there’s been for a decade.

Many different people will attribute Justin Trudeau’s inevitable victory to many different things: his brilliantly greasy hair, the fact that he threatened to fistfight all of Ottawa, “One cocksucking shithead at a time,” or the fact that he may, in fact, just be ghost riding his father’s whip. The “Right Honourable” Stephen Harper will almost certainly attribute the Liberal victory to the fact that Justin Trudeau recently admitted to smoking marijuana during his time as an MP.

Oh, you didn’t know? Admitting smoking pot has become a trend in Canadian politics literally overnight. Rob Ford, unsurprisingly, has admitted to smoking “a lot” of pot, and Kathleen Wynne has admitted to toking “infrequently.” Meanwhile, Justin Trudeau’s admission to smoking pot has passed with the Conservatives about as well as a fart in church. Stephen Harper, when asked if he’d ever smoked marijuana, rolled his eyes and asked reporters if he looked like the kind of a person who would smoke, citing his asthmatic problems as making smoking “impossible.” However the Globe and Mail did find an absolutely hilarious quote from Captain Asthma when, during a speech at an Ontario school, Harper said that someone offered him a joint at a party, but he was too drunk to accept it.

Anyone in touch with reality or modern voters could have predicted what happened: after Justin’s announcement, popular opinion of the Liberals shot through the roof. That’s not the troubling thing about all this. What’s troubling is the backpedalling that Justin Trudeau has done. Sure, he’s defended his position, saying that it’s time Canada has another discussion about decriminalization. But he’s more or less denounced his involvement with marijuana, drinking, smoking, and basically everything that makes life tolerable.

Keep in mind, this is a Trudeau we’re speaking about. The Trudeau line of politics is infamous for flirting with laws, and not giving a damn about who knew it. Pierre Trudeau used to call in to Parliament sick, only to go to New York discotheques with well-known models, and you know damn well he was “fuddle-duddling” the whole time. Justin’s scared abrogation of his involvement with unlawful vices is not reminiscent of a Trudeau, but of a square incognito. Here was a man who we thought would be the new, fresh face that Canadian politics so badly needed. But lift the mask, and I guarantee you’ll see the quivering jowls of another fat-assed political pig, just waiting for the slaughter.

Huey Lewis once sang that it was “Hip to be Square,” but I think the leniency of rock ‘n’ roll can only go so far. Justin Trudeau isn’t the kind of square that we could reasonably be expected to tolerate. He’s a square with no vision, no backbone, and with a glaring inferiority complex. And he’s going to be our next prime minister.

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