Stats Canada’s closet

Stats Canada reveals what you don’t know about your relationship with your roommate

In a surprising display of responsibility, Statistics Canada recently admitted to a minor gaffe, a tiny oversight on their part.

Upon reviewing data taken from the 2011 census, they noticed a startling increase in the number of same-sex couples, primarily in areas such as the Alberta oil patch. What started as a head-scratcher turned into a face-palmer when it was discovered that Stats Canada may have overestimated by as many as 4500 the number of same-sex married couples in some parts of the country. These folks that were taken to be same-sex couples were in fact just roomies splitting their rent (cue trombone music).

These are the people that the government employ with our tax dollars – presumptuous cocks who can’t ask people if they identify as a homosexual couple and so instead jump over the moon to a stupid conclusion that is probably based off of another statistic that says that more and more same-sex couples are getting married in Canada. These are our tax dollars at work, folks.

As a result of this mess up, Stats Canada has had to redact and withhold certain census information. They’ve since released the statistics on gay and lesbian couples for larger cities, but have withheld these figures for smaller communities where they may have dropped the ball a bit.

I don’t think I need to explain just how awful this whole situation is. Stats Can is the body responsible for providing vital statistics to the public and to the government about our country. Shit like this is just inexcusable. Imagine if Stats Can dropped into the average Film 100 class, and, decided that the professor must be the mother or father of every one of the 150 or so children gathered around them in the room. Do you see the problem in making baseless assumptions like that?

I think the big problem here, besides the gross negligence of an official government position, is the laziness and apathy towards your job that needs to be involved when you fuck up a figure by 4500. As terrible as I feel writing this, Stats Can jobs involve counting. You know, that basic skill that we developed in Kindergarten and have been working on ever since? By and large, the census job should not involve the critical thinking that is involved in deciding that roommates are a same-sex couple.

Once again, the government never ceases to amaze me, and shame me to no end when I realize that I‘m technically a part of the same species that they are. So, congratulations, government, you win. As of now, I’m seceding from humanity. I do not yet know what my new race will be called, what our mission statement will be, or what our objectives are. But I hope Stats Canada can at least count that there is one less human in Canada.

Kyle Leitch
A&C Writer