UR gonna die
A story of lost innocence and office space./ Kyle Leitch
Capital Punishment Office gaining popular favour.
This September, students were shocked to discover that the Student Health and Dental Plan Office had been closed. The bright green office on the second floor of the Riddell Center was always staffed by friendly and bright-minded folk who would direct you to the website to opt out of the plan. Thanks once again to our sexual panther-esq journalistic integrity, the Carillon has discovered what the office was shut down to accommodate.
“The health plan office? Sure, I heard of the place,” said our anonymous informant in the University of Regina President’s Office. “You guys specifically aren’t going to like what they’re turning it into.” Seeing as our office does in fact share a wall with the former health plan office, we pressed further. As it turns out, the Student Health and Dental Plan Office is going to be turned into a Capital Punishment Office for Financial Services.
“What can I say?” our informant said. “I hope you like screaming.”
Our investigation, which was thorough, no doubt, has shown that outstanding tuitions, student loans fees, and print services charges will be sent straight to the Capital Punishment Office in lieu of being sent to collections.
“They’ve become the highest order in the land,” our informant said. “They can come get you any time, any where, and off to the Capital Punishment Room you go.”
When asked what modes of capital punishment would be employed at the Capital Punishment Office, our informant was reticent.
“Well…there’s some debate about that,” the informant told us. “Some want simple lethal injection. Some of the more extreme directors in charge of these decisions are in favor of crucifixion. But I also heard that being fired from a cannon into a brick wall is gaining a lot of support.”
Naturally, we’ll have more on this story as it develops.
This is the reason I don’t read the carillon… I tried treating like a real news paper and not some rag thrown together by college hipsters drinking americanos. Articles like this make me regard the carillon with the same amount of respect I afford the onion. I really hope none of you are in a paid position.
I of course realize this is a humor piece. unfortunately it pops up in social media feeds as a posting from the carillon, not as a joke by the carillon.
Hi Matt,
Thanks for your concern. Many of our staff, including the author of this piece (and this comment!) are in fact paid staff. I would also like to say that I tend not to drink Americanos. Dark roast coffee is more my speed.
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Dixi – Production Manager