UR in for it now

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The one time the U of R takes the piss

Author: Farron Ager – Contributor

Amidst protests from various activist groups, the University of Regina is still going ahead in funding another entrance sign, but this time are taking a slightly different approach to its construction. To ensure the longevity and dignity of the academy, university administration has announced that they will be hosting a fundraiser to pay for an addition to the sign – an enlarged accompaniment catheter intended to drain away excess rainwater from the sign.

“We learned our lesson from the last sign debacle that we need to keep the faculty, staff, and students in our discussions,” said University President Vianne Timmons. “We’ve heard your concerns and we feel we’ve learned a lesson or two from all of you, especially our resourceful custodial staff.”

Starting on Nov. 9 through to Nov. 13, the University of Regina, in conjunction with the newly renovated Owl, will be hosting be a series of drinking games around campus. While the administration has not yet disclosed many details regarding the event, classic games such as “Don’t Break the Seal” are expected to make an appearance. Alleged prizes will include Camelbak hydration bladders, UroClubs, and Foley leg bags.

The new sign will be featured at the university’s north gateway and, without further financial support, is expected to begin eroding sometime in the 2074.

“This will simply not do,” said University spokesperson Costa Maragos. “How will the students know that their school is celebrating its centennial if all they see is a dingy, rusted and weathered sign, let alone find the campus at all?”

Maragos also mentioned that this would be a great learning opportunity for the students as well, citing, “The catheter, an ancient Syrian invention that comes from the Greek word, ‘kathiemai,’ meaning ‘let down,’ as catheters were ‘let down’ into the body.”

When asked whether or not the university would allocate funds toward repairing or replacing the leaking roofs that have plagued the campus, a common criticism recently brought to light by students, faculty, and CBC’s iTeam, Timmons rebuked the idea, stating, “If this fundraiser ends up raining gold for us, we will have no plans whatsoever to repair campus. Instead, we will plan to further investigate the implementation of catheter technology around the entirety of the school, including in-class smart catheters for finals season, a UR Guaranteed Catheter program for our recent alumni, and maybe even replacement of all washroom facilities to accommodate a mandatory catheter program for all students!”

Should the fundraiser be a success, the university foresees the unveiling of the oversized kathiemai sometime in late 2020.

 

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