Wanted: human tackling dummies
Low intelligence is not a problem.
Author: John Loeppky
Hey you, yes you, right there. Have you ever sat in your living room — with all of its Rider memorabilia and BC Lions voodoo dolls — and thought, “Hey, I can throw that ball for a living?” Have you ran around in a field for a few hours and thought yourself a runner? Do you consider beer a sports beverage? If your answer was yes, the opportunity of lifetime awaits you. You see, with Henry Burris being the only quarterback still standing (no, we can’t believe it either), there is a dire need for backup quarterbacks to enter the league.
Now, you might be asking, “Why not just hire some NFL rejects?” The answer is, NFL rejects might sue us for all the concussions they might have suffered at different levels of football. Come on, who cares if they can’t remember their own name? As long as they could go out there, hit stuff at full speed, and beat the Ottawa Redblacks, they would be successful. But no, we have to take precautions.
Before we go any further, I have to ask you, the immensely talented prospect, a few questions. Please check any that apply to you:
Do you have a pulse?
Do you have at least one functioning arm?
Do you know what a receiver’s job might be?
Have you, at any point in your life, completed a pass after a three-step drop?
Do you fancy yourself an athlete?
Congratulations! If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you are eligible to be placed on the CFL Backup Quarterback Registry. Priority will be given to those who show immense pride in our league. The ability to run ten yards without wheezing is considered an asset, but is not necessarily a requirement.
Once you are accepted into the program, you will embark on an intense three-hour-long course about the art of bumbling at the quarterback position. First, former Riders QB Nealon Greene will show you how to gracefully fumble the ball and still keep your starting job. Next, Buck Pierce will run you through a step-by-step guide on how to sustain concussions in the most painful way possible. After that, Matt Dunigan will lecture you on how he could play each position better than anyone alive or dead, in the CFL or NFL, now and in the future. In your last test before embarking on your football career, you will be given the chance to go head to head against the man made of glass, the myth, the legend, Jesse Lumsden. If you are able to break any of Lumsden’s bones (and we’re betting at least half of you can), you will be placed with the CFL team in the most need at that moment in time.
If you do not see yourself as a quarterback, don’t fret. We will soon have openings for the following positions:
Offensive position players
Defensive position players
For more information, please contact the league office.