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A Modest Tuition Proposal

Rob this house! (not really)/ Monumenteer2014camper
Rob this house! (not really)/ Monumenteer2014camper

Hear one student’s radical way to cut education costs!

This week, the Carillon brings to you an investigative piece mixing the elements of thievery, skyrocketing tuition and student life. No romance, sorry. Here, first comrade John Kapp relays an interview he conducted.

 

JK: Hi, could you please introduce yourself and tell us what about your academic career makes you so interesting?

 

RH: My name is Robyn Hüdd and I’m a Sociology major at the moment, but my passion lies in Law.

 

JK: I see. I understand you have a unique means of paying your tuition. Can you break that down for our readers?

RH: Well, I break into the large houses surrounding the university. You see, the university is conveniently located at the intersection between Regina’s criminal business class and student exploitation. I have liberated televisions, computers, and house pets – you name it, and I’ve expropriated it.

 

JK: So why do you have to take so many night classes? How is that relevant to your hobby?

 

RH: I work during the day. You would be blown away by how few of Regina’s bourgeoisie do not have working security systems to protect their stuff.

 

JK: Could you elaborate on this?

 

RH: Well, in the morning, I stake out my clients’ homes and in the afternoon, the magic happens. I try to find a nice, open window to climb into and the rest is social history.

 

JK: Why would you break the law rather than find a conventional job?

 

RH: That depends on if one believes in the legitimacy of the neoliberal justice system. Besides, have you seen Saskatchewan’s minimum wage? It’s a lot easier to hawk stolen goods than work forty hours a week in a fucking Toys ‘R’ Us.

 

JK: Hmm, that is a valid point. At what point did you resign yourself to illegality?

 

RH: Resign myself? Shit, this was simply the most practical choice for a student paying over five thousand a year to attend this place with little hope of employment post-graduation. At least if I get caught, I’ll have a place to sleep and three set meals a day.

 

JK: Do you have any advice for students who find themselves in your predicament – underemployed, over-educated, and in need of a quick buck?

 

RH: Don’t take up stealing, and if you do, stay off my turf. Harbour Landing and Wascana Circle are looking for new burglars. Municipal tax breaks have allowed the people in these new subdivisions to accumulate great amounts of personal wealth while tuition and cost of living have skyrocketed.

 

JK: While you may not consider yourself a thief, the university and business community have labeled your means of producing wealth a detriment to the functioning of the school in specific and the community at-large. How do you respond to this criticism?

 

RH: I consider myself this city’s most just method of redistributing its wealth away from the rich. Council and the provincial government have made it clear they don’t give a shit about students, elderly, and the poor, which leaves people like me to informally tax the rich and give back to ourselves.

About John Kapp

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